


The Strength To Heal

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:17:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair helps Jim face a rough time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Strength To Heal

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and constructive criticism are desired. Thank you, Grey, for beta reading for me and being so quick about it.   
>  I appreciate it!   
> 

## The Strength To Heal

by XFreak

Author's webpage: <http://www.e-fic.com/xfreak/>

Author's disclaimer: The Sentinel, Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg, Incacha, Danny Choi, Carolyn Plummer, and Lila Hobson belong to Pet Fly Productions and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fiction is purely for enjoyment and no money is being made from it.

* * *

The Strength To Heal  
by XFreak 

Blair Sandburg hated watching his best friend endure this kind of pain. Jim Ellison's entire posture screamed anguish, his shoulders hunched and head bowed, every muscle pulled tight enough to snap at the least touch. 

Physical pain Jim could deal with, no problem. Emotional pain seriously took the fire out of the man. Defenseless against it, he had suffered from and repressed it for most of his 37 lonely years. 

Blair touched his hand to the small of Jim's back to keep him from zoning on his grief. The normally stoic face turned to him, tears brimming the eyelids, but not allowed to fall. Ellison's jaw twitched as his throat convulsed in an effort to swallow the emotions ambushing his troubled heart. Finally, the taller man closed his eyes and turned his face away. 

The words spoken through the pain-filled eyes slammed into Blair's heart. {Thank you for being here. Help me. I'm scared.} The words would never be vocalized, but Jim had said them in the only way he knew how. And Blair would be the only one privileged enough to see them. 

As the minister eulogized Major Frank Collins, a cold winter wind cut through layers of clothing, mirroring the feeling in many hearts. Moving closer to Jim's side to seek heat, Blair heard a muffled sob that the older man couldn't suppress. Forcing his face to remain neutral, Ellison's head turned quickly to ascertain whether or not Sandburg had heard it, as expected. 

Jim's body relaxed somewhat, as did Blair's, when his deception worked. He refused to add anything to the burden Jim already carried inside. 

After the burial, Jim's body stiffened and straightened as a handsome man just a few years older than him approached. Holding out his hand, the man spoke. 

"Captain Ellison." 

"Not anymore," Jim answered, firmly shaking the man's hand. 

When Ellison didn't offer any further explanation, Blair clarified. "Jim's a detective with the Cascade PD now." 

Nodding his understanding, the man quietly said, "Frank spoke very highly of you. Thank you for being a friend to him." 

Unable to speak, Jim nodded. 

"Jim told me that Frank was a good friend to him as well. He liked him very much." Blair smiled, his hand resting once again on his friend's back. 

Offering a weakened smile, the man nodded and excused himself. 

* * *

Driving the truck back to the loft, Blair's mind howled. Jim sat in the _passenger_ seat of his own truck, staring out the window and focusing on nothing. From the moment that Jim pulled out his keys and dropped them into his palm, Sandburg knew Ellison was in trouble. Not that the older man didn't trust him to drive the truck, he just preferred to do it himself. 

After parking, Blair reached over and gripped Jim's thigh close to the knee. The older man looked at him with exhausted eyes. 

"We're home, Jim." 

Nodding, Ellison stepped out of the truck and stood, waiting for Blair. Sandburg's stomach fluttered at the ultimate trust his friend placed in him, wondering what Jim would do at this moment if he hadn't come into his life. 

Chastising himself for unproductive thoughts, Blair climbed out of the truck. Approaching Jim, he took the older man by the elbow, leading him into their home. Once inside, Sandburg broke the long silence. 

"Jim, why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll make some lunch?" 

"I'm not hungry." 

Blair sighed, scratching his head. "Okay. Take a shower and we'll see how you feel after that." 

Without another word, Jim turned and headed for the bathroom. Blair anticipated that these next few days would be a living hell. His partner already exhibited signs of full defense mode, walls erected and fortified. He prepared himself to deal with an angry, wounded child. 

* * *

As Jim returned from dressing in a pair of comfortable sweatshorts that hung low on his hips, Blair set two steaming plates of food on the table. 

Jim stopped, crossing his arms. "I told you I wasn't hungry." 

"I heard you the first time." 

"I'm not eating." 

"Jim, look. I know you're hurting, but you have to eat." Ellison turned and walked away in denial. "Jim. Get over here and eat this food." 

Turning to face Blair, Ellison shot him a challenging glare for a few seconds before crumbling. Sandburg tightened his resolve and stared the older man down like an errant child until he sat at the table and picked up his fork. Jim ate about half of his food, then picked at it while the younger man finished eating. 

"You don't have to eat all of it, Jim. If you're not hungry, you're just not hungry. You had to eat _something_ , though." 

Nodding, Jim said, "Chief, I'm not trying to be difficult here." 

"I know, Jim. I've been there before." 

Looking up with amazingly clear eyes, Jim asked, "Have you?" 

* * *

After lunch, Jim ascended the stairs and sat in bed with his back to the railing. He held the position so long that Blair called up to him occasionally to make sure he hadn't zoned. 

When the phone rang, Sandburg quickly answered. "Hello?" 

"Sandburg, I need to talk to Jim." 

"He's not available right now, Simon." 

"Sandburg, I have a situation on my hands! Put him on." 

" _Banks_ , you'll have to find someone else. Cut him some slack, man! He's not some kind of machine you can turn on and off as you please." His voice sharpened, informing the captain that he would not back down. 

"You're right. How's he doing?" Simon sighed the words. 

"Not good." 

"Take care of him, Blair." 

"I always do." 

"Goodnight, kid." 

"Bye, Simon." 

* * *

After preparing for bed, Blair climbed the steps to Jim's bedroom. As he reached the top, he realized that his clothing consisted only of a pair of boxer briefs, but shrugged it off. Ellison had seen him in his underwear before. 

Standing at the foot of the bed with his arms at his sides, he waited a long time before Jim acknowledged his presence. When the shadowed blue eyes turned up to meet his own, he spoke. 

"What's up?" 

"Nothing." The voice sounded hollow. 

"Jim, I can't help if you don't talk to me. You've got something else going on. You didn't withdraw like this when Danny Choi or Incacha died." Blair wanted to kick himself when his friend winced at the names. 

"I'm your friend. If you don't talk to me, this is going to eat you up inside." Blair's tone pleaded with the other man. 

"Sandburg..." 

"Don't 'Sandburg' me. I've been where you are. I know how it feels." 

"Have you? Do you? Somehow, I don't think so." Jim looked down at his lap, shaking his head. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I can't." The words were spoken so quietly that Blair barely heard them. 

"You can't what?" 

"I can't _tell_ you!" Jim's bellow echoed throughout the loft. 

"Why not? After all we've been through, don't you trust me?" Blair couldn't hide the hurt behind his words. 

Pulling his legs up toward his body, Jim wrapped his arms around his knees. "It's not that." 

"Then what is it?" Blair crossed his arms over his chest, slightly unnerved at the way Jim's eyes lingered over his bare body. 

"Chief, this could drive you away from me. I don't need to deal with that right now." 

"Jim, give me a little credit, will ya? Have you done something? Is that it? You're my best friend. There's not anything that I can think of that would make me leave unless you tell me to go." 

Jim dropped his forehead onto his knees, rocking slightly for a long while. Blair waited him out, knowing some kind of serious war waged inside his friend's mind. 

Raising his head, Jim averted his eyes. "I'm gay." 

"You're what?" 

"I'm gay, Chief." Jim finally met Blair's eyes, his voice defiant. 

"Wha...what about Carolyn? You were married. And Lila?" 

"I married Carolyn when I was still trying to convince myself that I was straight. Lila was one of the last efforts I made to prove it to myself, but it just wasn't true. I cared for them both and I tried, but..." Jim shrugged. 

"Okay." Blair swallowed several times before moving on. "I'm glad you told me this, Jim, but what has it got to do with today?" 

"I'm sorry, Chief. I should've told you before, but I didn't know how you'd react." At Blair's nod, he continued. "Frank and I..." 

"Yes?" Sandburg uttered the word very quietly. 

"We were lovers for about a year." Blair's hand covered his mouth, realization dawning in his widened eyes. "We parted friends when he was promoted and transferred. I wasn't willing to leave Cascade and a long distance relationship was out of the question." 

"Jim, I'm _so_ sorry. That's what you meant when you said you didn't think I'd been there, isn't it?" Jim nodded. "Well, you're right. I've never buried a lover. How long ago did you split?" 

"About six months, but it was an amiable separation." 

"You must really..." 

Jim held up a hand. "That's enough, Chief. I appreciate you being here, but this heart to heart stuff is wearing me thin." 

"Okay." 

For a long time, neither man said anything. Blair stood in the same spot with the moonlight illuminating his skin, the older man's eyes raking over his body. Sandburg tried very hard not to fidget, thinking that the confession gave his friend the courage to show his attraction. 

"Put your legs down, Jim." 

"What?" Ellison's gaze traveled up to Blair's face. 

"I didn't stutter." 

"What are you driving at here, Chief?" Jim's brow furrowed. 

"Do it." 

His face tight, Jim slowly lowered his legs, keeping them spread. An impressive erection tented his shorts. 

Blair's breath catching in his throat, he gawked at Jim's groin. The older man finally covered himself with his hand, a flush covering his cheeks that the younger man couldn't see in the dim light. 

"D-do..." Blair cleared his suddenly parched throat. "D'you want me?" 

Jim rolled his eyes. "I thought that was rather obvious." 

Laughing nervously, Blair told him, "I wanted to make sure." He climbed onto the bed, crawling slowly toward Jim, who tried to melt into the bar behind him. 

"I don't want your pity," the older man said defensively. 

Blair froze. "You think I'd do that to you?" he asked, sitting back on his heels. 

"I don't know, Chief. This is weird. There's a lot at stake here. I didn't know you swung this way." 

In a husky voice, he replied, "There's a lot you don't know about me, Jim." Shuddering, the older man swallowed. "Do you want me? Do you want this?" Closing his eyes, Jim nodded. "Good, because I do, too." 

Jim looked scared. No other word would describe the expression on his face. Trying to calm him, Blair lightly ran his fingertips up and down the tops of the other man's calves, scratching lightly at the hair covering them. 

As the breathing slowed, Blair moved between the outstretched legs. Reaching for the waistband of Jim's shorts, he asked, "Are you sure you want _me_? Are you sure you're not just grasping at straws, for anyone close to ease the pain?" 

Flinching, Jim shoved him backward, landing him on his butt. "Get away from me, Sandburg. Get out of my bed." 

"Jim, I just wanted to make sure..." Disbelief underlied his words. 

"Get out of my bedroom before I throw you out of my apartment." Ellison pushed the harsh words out through gritted teeth. 

"Jim, please." 

Standing up quickly, Jim grabbed Blair's arm. Hauling him up and off the bed, he dragged him down the stairs. Reaching the bottom, he shoved Sandburg viciously toward his room. 

"I don't want to see you for the rest of the night. Go to bed." With that, Jim turned, heading back up the steps. A stunned Blair stared after him, his mouth gaping open. 

* * *

The next morning, Saturday, Jim walked down the stairs to find Blair cooking breakfast. His mouth set in a stubborn line, he didn't spare the older man a glance. After puttering around for a few minutes, Ellison broke the uneasy silence. 

"Chief, I'm sorry about last night." 

"So am I, Jim. We could have had something." 

"Could have?" The unsteady voice ripped into Blair's heart. 

"Yeah, could have. I probably could've gotten over your anger, given what you're going through. But I don't tangle with abusive lovers." 

"Abusive? You think I'd hurt you?" The words carried utter astonishment. 

Putting the butter knife down with a metallic thunk, Blair locked gazes with Jim. "When you didn't like what I said, you shoved me, yelled at me, dragged me around like some sort of cave man, then dismissed me. That I can live without." 

"I'd never hurt you." 

"Yeah, well, then you might want to start explaining these." Pulling up the sleeve on his t-shirt, Blair revealed small, finger shaped bruises on his bicep. 

Reaching out a hand to trace the injuries, Jim's mouth dropped open. "Chief, I couldn't have done that," he said, shaking his head in negation. Blair allowed him to caress the discolored skin. 

"Yeah, well, you were the only one pushing me around last night." 

"I'm sorry." 

"You said that already. You know, I could've dealt with your anger had it been a friend losing control because of his hyperactive senses. You pushed me around in the capacity of a pissed off lover. The _only_ reason you got by with it is because I was too shocked to react." 

"Blair, I was angry. I was trying to get you away from me before I said something I would regret. You wouldn't listen, so I had to remove you myself. I didn't mean to hurt you." 

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." 

"Sandburg, you accused me of using you!" 

"Well, what do you expect? You had just finished telling me that you were in love with somebody else and then you were ready to sleep with me. I had to protect myself!" 

"That somebody else is dead, Sandburg. He's not coming back. There's no threat to you!" Abruptly, Jim stalked off, slamming the bathroom door behind him. 

"Oh, man. Can you mess things up any worse?" Blair leaned against the counter, hanging his head. 

* * *

When Blair returned from his walk, he found Jim standing on the balcony in a pair of shorts, despite the cool weather. Concern overriding anger, he opened the door. 

"Jim, what are you doing out here in just shorts? It's cold, man." Being ignored didn't rank high on his list of priorities. "Answer me." 

"My clothes hurt. Cotton is the softest thing I have." 

"How long?" Blair sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

"Since yesterday morning." 

"Is there a specific reason you didn't tell me?" His voice developed an edge when he said, 'reason.' 

"I didn't want you fussing over me." 

"Come inside. You hover just as bad as I do. Is the couch too rough?" Jim nodded. "Okay, what's the most comfortable place for you to relax?" Blair asked, shedding his jacket and throwing it on the sofa. 

"My bed." Jim met Blair's gaze. 

"Let's go." 

Jim followed him up the stairs, stopping when he saw Blair holding the covers back for him. 

"Get in." 

"Alone?" 

"Not now, Jim." 

Sighing, Jim crawled in. Blair laid the covers down over the sentinel's lap and sat beside him with his legs pretzeled. Using his soothing voice, he began speaking. 

"Okay, Jim. Close your eyes. I want you to picture a place that makes you feel safe and calm." Giving Ellison some time, he saw the lines on his friend's face relax a bit. "Got it?" 

"Yeah." 

"Okay, now in the background, I want you to picture the dial for touch. Touch _is_ the only sense you're having trouble with, isn't it?" His voice made it clear that he expected Jim to come clean. 

"Yeah." 

"Okay. Can you see the dial?" 

"Yes." 

"Where is it?" 

"Almost all the way up." 

"Okay, focusing on the calm situation, I want you to slowly turn the dial down to a comfortable level." He waited, finally seeing the tense muscles ease. "Is it working?" 

Jim opened his eyes, smiling. "Thanks, Chief." 

"No problem. That's what you keep me around for." He scooted around, throwing his legs over the side of the bed to stand. 

"Blair, wait. Can we talk?" 

"About?" 

"You know what about. Don't play games with me here." Jim used irritation as a weak attempt to disguise fear. 

"Okay. Talk." 

Jim reached around, taking Blair's hand in his. "Look at me, Chief. I don't want to talk to your back." Sandburg did as requested, giving the older man his full attention, his resistance weakening considerably. "I'm sorry. I mean it." Ellison squeezed his friend's hand. "I have no excuse for the way I acted and it won't happen again. I'd like another chance." 

"Are you sure it's _me_ you want and you're not desperate to banish the pain? You just buried him yesterday. It will be a long time before it heals, with or without me." 

The anger flashed in Jim's eyes and disappeared just as quickly as he caught on to the test. "I'm sure." 

"Okay. You're serious about this?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay, Jim. I'm not looking to get hurt here." 

"What are you afraid of, Chief?" 

"I'm just being careful. This friendship is too important to mess up." 

"Yeah, it is. We'll just have to make it better." 

Jim hooked his free hand behind Blair's head, urging him forward. Straddling his soon to be lover over his lap, he leaned in for their first kiss. Trembling palms framed the younger man's face, thumbs lightly rubbing his cheekbones. 

"Kiss me, Jim." 

Closing the distance between them, Jim brushed his lips across Blair's. The younger man moaned as his lover bit at his lower lip, tugging on it. Finally allowing himself to want his partner, Sandburg attacked the other man's mouth with all the passion he'd been holding back. 

Reaching up and pushing against the railing, Blair moved Jim to a horizontal position. Blanketing him, he rubbed his body against the older man's, aggressively seeking the groan Ellison rewarded him with. 

Jim reached around, firmly planting his hands on Blair's rear end. Aligning their groins, he rocked his hips against the younger man's while pulling down with his hands. 

"Damn." 

"What's wrong?" Blair's aroused, confused eyes focused on Jim. 

"Your jeans are too rough. You'll have to take off your clothes." 

Grinning, Blair sat back, disrobing. "And this is purely for your comfort, I bet." 

"Absolutely." 

Blair's heart skipped at Jim's smile. Shaking his head, he threw his wadded up clothes into a messy pile on the floor. 

"Where were we last night? I think...right about here." He grasped the waistband of Jim's shorts, asking permission with his eyes. As the older man lifted his hips, Blair tugged them down and off, throwing them on top of his own clothes. 

Eyes widening, Blair licked his lips as he took in the sight of Jim's erection. Grinning, the older man stopped him from lying back down with a hand against his chest. At the frown on Sandburg's bewildered face, he explained. 

"I've been bad." 

"Huh?" 

"I've been a bad boy." 

Catching onto the game, Blair asked, "And what do we do with bad boys?" 

"Modify their behavior." 

"What method would work best to modify Jim's behavior?" 

"Spank him. Show him who's in charge." 

Blair closed his eyes, shuddering at the thought of Jim being bad enough to deserve discipline. 

"What did Jim do to deserve punishment?" 

"He hurt Blair." 

Sandburg's eyes flew back open. "Wait a minute. This _is_ just a game, isn't it?" 

Laughing, Jim answered. "Yes. I'm not _that_ messed up." 

"Okay. We'll teach Jim not to bully other people then." Looking back down, he grinned at the angry looking erection straining for attention between Jim's legs. {He must _really_ get hot about spanking.} 

"Get up on your hands and knees. Today, Ellison!" 

His breath quickening, Jim scrambled to comply. 

"Move forward within reach of the bar, but not close enough to lean your forehead against it." He did as told. "Now, grab the railing with your hands and do _not_ let go unless I instruct you to do so. Understood?" Jim nodded. Blair even impressed himself with the commanding voice. 

"Scoot back a few inches and get those legs spread apart." Blair groaned as his own cock hardened further, leaking. He hadn't expected _that_ to happen. 

Teasing, he palmed Jim's firm butt with his wide, strong hands. Massaging, he chuckled as his lover raised higher, pushing into the caress. 

"You know this will hurt me more than it hurts you, don't you?" Blair had never bought that load of bull in his life. 

"Yes, sir." 

{Sir? *Sir?!* Ooh, Jim you are kinked. And I love it.} 

Pulling his hand back, he smacked Jim's right buttock hard, almost gasping at the sting. A groan escaped Jim's mouth as he rolled his hips. {He loves this.} Shaking the burn out of his hand, Sandburg swung again. 

Blair spread the blows out over Jim's buns until the entire surface of them reddened. A frustrated growl escaped the larger man when Sandburg stopped. Pushing his butt up in the air, Ellison demanded more. 

Blair began to dot his thighs with lighter slaps. He didn't want to take a chance on hitting those fine looking balls that swayed with every stroke, balls which drew up when Jim thrust his hips forward again. 

"Turn your sense of touch back down to normal." 

Blair hit Jim's butt once more, watching the balls draw up further. Quickly crawling around the larger man, Sandburg grabbed his chin, turning the strong face toward him. 

"James Ellison, if you don't turn touch down right now, this will be over before it gets started." 

Jim drew his face back, his mouth dropping open. He stared into Blair's eyes. Realizing what had happened, Sandburg pulled him forward into a hug. 

"Jim, I meant the game, not the relationship." 

As they separated, Blair looked down to see the formerly rigid cock hanging flaccid. 

"I'm sorry. Who made you afraid to love?" Blair caressed the older man's cheek as he turned his gaze away. 

Letting it go, he decided to get Jim back into the mood. Moving in front of his lover, he put a pillow beneath his knees and closed the space between their bodies. Rubbing his half hard penis against Ellison's, he pulled the other man tightly against him. Strong arms closed around him in response. 

Settling into a rhythm, Blair moved against the other man seductively. Feeling Jim's cock begin to harden, he leaned up to nibble on the bony part of his lover's shoulder. Changing to a hard suction, Sandburg left a mark, only releasing the skin when a groan rumbled from Ellison's chest. 

"Get back down on your hands and knees." Blair moved out of the way and Jim immediately followed his directions. "Hold onto the railing again and you'd better not let go. Spread those legs. Show me what's mine." 

Jim gasped, looking at him with wide eyes. Grinning smugly, Blair tenderly commanded, "Close your eyes." His lover swiftly complied. 

Kissing a sculpted shoulder blade, Blair reached into the nightstand drawer to retrieve a condom. He knew where Jim kept them, having borrowed one in a pinch. Sliding down to lay on his back underneath the older man, he ripped open the package. 

Jim's brow creased, his head tilting at the noise. {Trying to figure out what I'm doing?} Propping his head and shoulders on some pillows to situate himself high enough, Blair rolled the condom onto the hard member. Jerking his hips forward at the contact to his sensitized cock, Ellison whimpered. 

Almost gagging at the taste of the latex, Sandburg coughed. It had been a long time since he'd gone down on another man. He hoped to do it again though. Repeatedly, if it would be this particular cock. 

Closing his eyes, Blair concentrated on making Jim feel so good he wouldn't even _think_ about another man. Starting at the base, he flattened his tongue, licking up and down the length as if feasting on a tasty lollipop. Placing his hands on the wide spread thighs, the muscles there twitched under his palms. 

Scooting lower, Blair nibbled lightly on his lover's balls. Jim's heartfelt moan made him sigh happily, evoking a shudder as his breath caressed the sacs. Bathing one and then the other, he decided that he very much liked the taste of *pure Jim*. 

Sliding back up, Sandburg engulfed Jim's cock in his mouth, sucking lightly. The soft suction drove his partner crazy, not able to stop himself from thrusting. Blair didn't mind. In fact, he liked it _a lot_. 

"Fuck my mouth, Jim." 

Whimpering, Jim gripped the bar harder and began thrusting into Blair's mouth. The younger man increased his suction, hollowing out his cheeks. He wasn't a sentinel, but his tongue felt the hardening that signaled his partner's climax. With a harsh yell, Jim came, his body trembling with the effort not to collapse on his lover. 

Once the last spurts subsided, Blair removed the condom, tying and tossing it into the trash. Picking Jim's soft shorts up off the floor, he lovingly wiped his lover clean. As soon as he finished, the older man collapsed onto his back beside him, panting harshly. 

After a few minutes, Jim rolled onto his side, attempting a cuddle. Blair pulled away from him. Propping pillows at the head of the bed, he leaned back against them with his legs spread. 

Handing Jim a condom, he instructed, "Suck my cock. And you'd better make it good." Suppressing a grin at the shiver that racked the muscular body, he kept his eyes serious and commanding. 

Carefully, Jim rolled the condom onto his shaft. Leaning his weight on his elbows, he lapped at the latex covered member. He took his time, imitating a cat settling down with a good bowl of cream. 

"Oh, Jim..." 

Blair reached behind himself, latching onto the rail and squeezing. His eyes closed, his lips parted, and his head banged lightly against the bar. Chest heaving, he groaned long and low. 

"Man, I am in heaven." 

Jim raised his head, lips glistening. "Not yet." 

Forming an 'O' with his lips, he teased the head of Blair's cock. He didn't suck, only moving his mouth loosely over the sensitized organ. 

"Jim, come on!" 

"You love it." 

{Exactly _when_ did I lose control of this situation? About the time Jim put his mouth on your cock.} That was the last coherent thought he had. 

Jim started sucking, but still only gave his attention to the head. 

"C'mon, Jim, take me!" His lover ignored his pleas, taking some of his lost control back. 

When Blair was sure that he'd lose his mind any second, Jim sucked him fully into his mouth. Pushing up and down with his arms to give him leverage, the older man ate him alive. Opening his eyes, Sandburg watched the muscles in his lover's shoulders flex as he lowered himself back down. He lost it, chanting Jim's name over and over. 

When Blair finally resurfaced from one of the best orgasms he'd had in a very long time, he opened his eyes to find Jim grinning at him, looking like the cat that ate the canary. 

"What are you so smug about?" 

Jim shook his head, leaning forward to kiss Blair's forehead, nuzzling the skin there. After that, he dropped his head to his lover's chest, throwing a leg protectively over the smaller man's. 

"Jim?" 

"Hmm?" 

"You know, it's okay to let it go in front of me." In response to the suddenly tense muscles, Blair ran his palm over the spiky hair. "Sometimes all that control sucks, man. If you need to just let it out, it's okay. That macho stuff about real men never crying is _such_ bullshit." 

He waited, but Jim didn't speak. "If you need it, I'll be there for you." 

Blair couldn't believe it as a single tear fell to his chest. He didn't comment on it, only rubbing soothing strokes up and down Jim's back. 

"We'll get through this, Jim. I'll help you." 

* * *

Later that night, the new lovers sat on the couch watching a football game. They were sitting closer to each other than they had as friends, but not snuggling close. Jim leaned back in his usual Ellison sprawl, his arm thrown over the back of the couch behind Sandburg. Blair laid his head back on the older man's arm, which gripped his shoulder. 

Blair noticed Jim's posture change about half-time. The relaxed state that generally signified his spread out position transformed into tension. As Sandburg turned to him to ask if he was okay, Ellison stood and walked to the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. 

Thirty minutes later, Blair began to worry. Jim only took a very short time to take care of his business. Thinking that something must be wrong, he walked to the door and knocked. 

"Jim, are you okay?" Not receiving a response, he turned the doorknob. 

"*Don't* come in here, Sandburg!" 

Blair gasped at the voice filled with raw emotion. Had Jim been in here dealing with his pain alone for the last half-hour? Respecting his friend's wishes, he closed the door back and returned to the couch, an antsy feeling building in his stomach. 

After about another fifteen minutes, the door opened and Jim walked back to the couch, sitting down. It took everything Blair had not to pounce. He feigned interest in the game. 

"Dallas is winning." 

Nodding, Jim looked over at him. Blair met his gaze, his face twisting into a grimace as he took in the slightly puffy eyes, only noticeable if you knew to look. Shrugging, the older man slid sideways until his head came to rest on Sandburg's shoulder. 

Blair wrapped his arms around his lover, dropping a kiss on the top of the bristly head. 

"I love you." 

In response, Jim snuggled closer, wrapping his arms around Blair's waist. 

"Come here." 

"What?" 

Blair scooted to the end of the couch, spreading his legs and opening his arms. Jim glanced at him gratefully before crawling into his lover's arms. He lay between Sandburg's legs, his head resting against his the younger man's stomach as they finished watching the game, not once speaking of what had happened. 

Closing his eyes as his lover fell asleep in his embrace, Blair thanked God that he could give Jim the strength to heal. 

**END**

Comments and constructive criticism welcome. XFreak1@aol.com 


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